“Why don’t we pause? Fear of judgment?”
This was a question that was brought forward in our most recent workshop on leadership. Sixty-eight nonprofit leaders from around the Midwest gathered to learn ways to grow into integrated leaders and engage with their teams in more co-creative ways to combat the ever-pervasive issue of burnout.
Many of the concepts that we teach were created by our late mentor and friend Dr. Daniel Friedland (aka Dr. Danny), who mapped the neuroscience of the brain to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs—an ingenious combination to simplify the vastly complex brain so that we could be better equipped to regulate ourselves in times of stress and reactivity.
He coined the phrase PAUSE | NOTICE | CHOOSE, a mantra that we live by and teach in almost every workshop.
Another expert in the field, Dr. Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, said:
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
If you are not familiar with Dr. Frankl, he was a Jewish neuroscientist and psychologist who lived during the Holocaust and survived the concentration camps. He went on to write his book chronicling how his mental endurance was the biggest factor in his survival.
I believe that both Dr. Frankl and Dr. Danny were onto something profound.
When I am able to recognize the signs of reactivity and better understand how my reactivity has a rippling impact on those around me, I have power at my fingertips to change my outcomes.
Through PAUSE | NOTICE | CHOOSE, I can begin to identify in the moment when my brain and body are triggered, and I can lean into Dr. Frankl’s words—between my stimulus and response, there is a space where I can [PAUSE], and in that space is my power to [NOTICE] (e.g., my feelings, the deeper issue, whether I am hungry, tired, or overwhelmed, etc.) and to [CHOOSE] a better response—in which lies my growth and freedom.
While that is empowering, I find it easier said than done. When I know that the way I show up and engage in my world has a direct impact on those around me, why do I so often lean into reacting rather than responding?
Your reasons may vary from mine, but a few reasons I personally struggle with taking that moment to pause so that I can notice and choose better in my daily interactions are:
Living into these tools is like a muscle that needs strength training. The more I practice, the easier that muscle memory will come to my aid next time.
What gives me motivation as I journey on the path of continuously learning to be an integrated and conscious leader is that these aren’t just froo-froo ideas—they are backed by a slew of neuroscience and data to support the efficacy of these practices in creating meaningful and lasting change.
So even though this very morning I failed to PAUSE, NOTICE, CHOOSE with my daughter, who snapped at me during an exchange before school, I will hold fast to the truth that this takes practice. I will use today’s shortcomings as an opportunity to embody grace and growth. I will dust off my bruised ego, take a moment to gather my endurance, and remember that arriving isn’t the goal—the journey of starting afresh in taking small steps towards growth each new day, is the goal.