Between Stimulus and Response: Harnessing the Power of the Pause

February 4, 2025 | 
4 minute read

“Why don’t we pause? Fear of judgment?”

This was a question that was brought forward in our most recent workshop on leadership. Sixty-eight nonprofit leaders from around the Midwest gathered to learn ways to grow into integrated leaders and engage with their teams in more co-creative ways to combat the ever-pervasive issue of burnout.

Many of the concepts that we teach were created by our late mentor and friend Dr. Daniel Friedland (aka Dr. Danny), who mapped the neuroscience of the brain to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs—an ingenious combination to simplify the vastly complex brain so that we could be better equipped to regulate ourselves in times of stress and reactivity.

He coined the phrase PAUSE | NOTICE | CHOOSE, a mantra that we live by and teach in almost every workshop.

Another expert in the field, Dr. Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, said:

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

If you are not familiar with Dr. Frankl, he was a Jewish neuroscientist and psychologist who lived during the Holocaust and survived the concentration camps. He went on to write his book chronicling how his mental endurance was the biggest factor in his survival.

I believe that both Dr. Frankl and Dr. Danny were onto something profound.

When I am able to recognize the signs of reactivity and better understand how my reactivity has a rippling impact on those around me, I have power at my fingertips to change my outcomes.

Through PAUSE | NOTICE | CHOOSE, I can begin to identify in the moment when my brain and body are triggered, and I can lean into Dr. Frankl’s words—between my stimulus and response, there is a space where I can [PAUSE], and in that space is my power to [NOTICE] (e.g., my feelings, the deeper issue, whether I am hungry, tired, or overwhelmed, etc.) and to [CHOOSE] a better response—in which lies my growth and freedom.

While that is empowering, I find it easier said than done. When I know that the way I show up and engage in my world has a direct impact on those around me, why do I so often lean into reacting rather than responding?

Your reasons may vary from mine, but a few reasons I personally struggle with taking that moment to pause so that I can notice and choose better in my daily interactions are:

  • A Missed Need – In my moments of reactivity, I am often so in the thick of my own feelings that I miss the need, want, or value that matters to me and feels threatened in the moment.
  • A Ticking Clock – When I am spiraling and can’t seem to pull myself out of the vortex to pause, it is often triggered by a feeling that time has run out. I need to have solved or fixed this issue 30 minutes ago, and there simply isn’t time to waste on pausing to try to better understand why I am so triggered.
  • My Ego – I wish this wasn’t such a driving force in my reactivity, but when I am honest with myself, my ego drives me far more than I want it to. When I am afraid of looking stupid, being wrong, messing things up, or making a fool of myself, I spiral deeper into reactivity.
  • External Pressures – Pressure is a powerful driver. I have a meeting in 10 minutes, or a kid is following me around the house saying, “But Mom” on repeat, or an angry person is honking at me from the car behind me, or a deadline is looming at the office and I am behind. Whatever the external pressure might be, it can feel impossible to steal a moment to pause, notice, and choose my response in those times.
  • Fear of Judgment – I struggle to give myself permission to take a minute. This is often out of a fear of judgment from the person(s) around me. The negative self-talk loves to rear its ugly head in these moments the most: “No one else needs to pause.” “If you really knew what you were doing, you wouldn’t need to pause.” “More equipped people aren’t as reactive as you are.” “You are going to seem weak for needing to take a moment.” Fighting against the chorus of narratives in my mind is an added struggle when trying to pause.
  • Practice – I know that beyond the other reasons I struggle to pause in moments of reactivity, this one is the crux of the issue. Learning how to slow the speed of time, breathe, zoom out beyond my feelings or circumstances, and choose a better response simply. takes. practice.

Living into these tools is like a muscle that needs strength training. The more I practice, the easier that muscle memory will come to my aid next time.

What gives me motivation as I journey on the path of continuously learning to be an integrated and conscious leader is that these aren’t just froo-froo ideas—they are backed by a slew of neuroscience and data to support the efficacy of these practices in creating meaningful and lasting change.

So even though this very morning I failed to PAUSE, NOTICE, CHOOSE with my daughter, who snapped at me during an exchange before school, I will hold fast to the truth that this takes practice. I will use today’s shortcomings as an opportunity to embody grace and growth. I will dust off my bruised ego, take a moment to gather my endurance, and remember that arriving isn’t the goal—the journey of starting afresh in taking small steps towards growth each new day, is the goal.

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